How Much Exercise Do You Need?

How much and how often you should exercise depends on your goals. Are you trying to lose weight? Are you trying to get stronger? Are you training for endurance, like a marathon (if you are, you so crazy)? All of the previous goals require different routines, intensity levels, and frequency.

I have read and heard various theories on the amount of exercise one needs to maintain a decent level of fitness. I was recently asked by a client if taking 10,000 steps a day is a good goal? I couldn’t answer because I had no idea how far 10,000 steps is for the average person. So I Googled “10,000 steps”, and I was shocked.

10,000 steps is approximately 5 miles! That is f-a-a-r. At a 3 mile per hour pace, you would have to walk for one hour and forty minutes straight, without a break, to walk 5 miles. If you accumulated 10,000 steps a day, six days a week, you would be walking 30 miles per week, and approximately 120 miles a month. 120 multiplied by 125 calories per mile burned would be 15,000 calories a month used as fuel from walking. That’s almost 5 pounds of fat burned, in one month!!! Ok, did you feel that free-fall descent back to earth? Wheeeeee!! That was the realization that very few people walk 5 miles per day, erry-day.

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I used to tell people that they needed to accumulate 5 hours of exercise/movement per week. Boy, I tell you, I was being kind. Because if 10,000 steps a day is the going rate to stay fit, I was undershooting with my advice, big time. If you are one of those rare folks, rare like a flawless diamond and not like a steak, who walks 5 miles a day, you are a beast!!!!! Being called a beast in the exercise world is a good thing. So I guess you can call my wife and I “Beauty and The Beast”. (I had to write that one).

Now to be fair about calling myself a beast, I doubt that I walk 5 miles a day. I am sure that on days I exercise (cardio+weights) and work, I might get in 10,000 steps, but that’s a stretch.

stretching

Let me share with you what I can do: I can dead-lift 315 lbs about 3 times. I can do anywhere from 12 to 15 full range of motion pullups without kipping. I can do about 5 to 8 pullups with 20 lbs attached to my body. I can overhead press (barbell) 105 lbs about 3 times without my legs helping (so it’s not a push-press). I don’t bench press anymore.  I can do a boxing class without having a heart attack. I can run pretty fast, and jump decently high. That’s me touching a 10 ft high basketball rim, but that was like a year and a half ago. I might have to try that again.

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Peep the Vans I’m wearing.

Please keep in mind that I am 42 years old, 5’11”, weigh 185 lbs, and do not use steroids. I was much stronger in my 20’s, without steroids of course. (I have nothing against roids, it’s just not my thing.)

The previous braggadocious paragraph does serve a purpose other than narcissism. It is to show you that I practice what I preach, because no one should hire an out of shape trainer, and that I maintain those fitness/strength levels with about 5 hours per week of not so easy exercise. I lift weights 3 times per week for an hour per session, and do a one hour boxing class twice per week (most of the time). That’s it!! The rest is diet. FYI, six-pack abs are created in the kitchen, and not in the gym. Sorry.

More on food.

Nutrition is the foundation of how you perform when you workout. The crappier your food, the crappier your workout. Your nutrition is also the main factor that will determine how you look, known as body composition, and how much of your hard work in the gym will show on the outside. The cleaner your diet, and the more you eat according to your desired weight, the more “tone” your body will reveal. Tone=reduced body fat levels. We often say “he or she has good muscle tone”, but what we are really saying is that he or she has body fat levels low enough to show muscle definition. Here’s the ultimate heart breaker. You can workout all you want, do millions of situps, lift weights, and walk everywhere, but if you have a crappy diet, you know what I’m talking about, pizza, burgers, fries, and beer, three to four days per week, chances are you won’t have much muscle tone. Trust me, I see these types at the gym I workout at, everyday. And please don’t forget your New Year’s Resolution, it’s only February. By the way, am I the only one that finds it kind of odd that the day many of us get plastered is the day we swear we’re going to make a positive change? It reminds me of a Hemingway quote: “Always do sober what you say you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut”.

Ok, gotta go. I will keep you posted on my attempt at touching a 10ft high basketball rim later in the spring. The older I get, the higher the rim appears, and the heavier weights feel.

 

 

 

The Best Detox Diet Is…

Take five lemons, two cranberries, five limes, one turnip, half of a strawberry, a dash of turmeric powder, put it all in a blender with ice and water, blend furiously, and serve it to your worst friend because I have no idea what the above concoction will do other than give you heartburn, the squirts, or both. Detox, shmeetox! You want to detoxify your body? I have an idea.

Maybe don’t put this,

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or this,

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or this  too much of this,alcohol

or this,

Sodas

or too much of this,

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in your body.

Instead, put some of this,

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and this,

three salmon pieces on a chopping board

and this,b6-brown-rice-lg

and this,

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in your body.

Also, consume this

lowww

and do this regularly,

Exercise

or this regularly,

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and guess what will happen? You will detoxify. Trust me.

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Stay healthy my friends.

And please don’t ask me why humans of all socio-economic backgrounds are attracted to toxic substances. We just are. You name it, and we will put it in our bodies, or at least try it. Right? Or is that just me?

Happy Holidays.

 

 

 

Take Care of Your Vehicle

How many vehicles will you own in your lifetime? 1,2,3, or more. And will you take care of your vehicles? Of course you will. You will get the oil changed, rotate the tires, check the transmission, and keep the interior spiffy and smelling good. How about your life’s vehicle? How do you treat it?

When I say life’s vehicle, I don’t mean your car. I am talking about the one thing that will always be with you wherever you go, for the rest of your vida. It takes you everywhere. It is your body. That is your true life’s vehicle. You don’t believe me that it will always be with you? Go to your fancy phone pronto, and look at your selfies and any other pictures you are in. Guess what is in every picture? Great guess! Your body is in every picture. Friends will come and go,  family will come and go, money will come and go fo sho (fo sho means for sure), and material things will come and go too, but you will always be with you. And that is a good enough reason to take care of your life’s vehicle, your body. Last time I checked, you only get one. Avatar is just a movie.

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When I do a consultation for weight loss, I always try to help my prospective clients find a reason for them to eat less and move more. I have learned that if people don’t have a strong enough reason to lose weight, success will be tough to come by. Like I said before, a good reason to live a healthy lifestyle is because you will only be issued one body in your lifetime.

Now the above reason to lose weight is not the only valid one. I have had clients tell me that they want to lose weight so they can enjoy their senior years with their spouses or partners in good health. That is a great weight loss motivator. I have had others tell me that they want to lose weight for their children. They want their children to have healthy parents, and hopefully their children will emulate their healthy lifestyles. That’s another great reason. But the best reason to lose weight and get healthier is for you, and not for your spouse, your career, or your children. Besides, if you do lose weight, your spouse, your career, and your children will benefit, trust me.

So next time your car engine light comes on, and you rush to your car dealership or reliable mechanic to get your engine checked out, realize that your body has an engine light too. It is called your blood pressure, cholesterol levels, joint pain, muscle pain, foot pain, sleeping patterns, and sugar levels (diabetes). Being overweight can throw these measurable levels out of whack. How do I know? Because my overweight clients, and statistics tell me so. As an overweight person loses weight, blood profiles improve, and some of life’s little physical discomforts improve or even disappear. I have had clients lose weight, and they are amazed at how much better their at one time “constantly achy back” feels because they are lighter. Remember, the heavier anyone is, the harder the heart, lungs, and muscles have to work to get the body from point A to point B, and beyond. Ok, enough of that. I am sure you get the point.

Now about my first vehicle. It was a burgundy 1978 Monte Carlo, but I bought it in the summer of 1989, when I was about to enter my senior year in high school. It cost me like 375 bucks, no lie! I saved my summer tomato picking money for my first car. I was so proud. I was proud that I had saved up, but not of the car I bought. It was raggedy as hell. It was a true hooptee. (Hooptee: a car, usually old and funky) Yep, that was my Monte. It looked something like this. Actually, a lot like this.

monte carlo

The paint job was old and faded. I tried to wax it one day, and instead of the paint getting shinier, it started to come off. It had vinyl seats that got hot as hell in the Stockton, California summers, and the steering wheel was beige. The horn was super loud, so I never honked it when girls were around. The tires were all different in brand name and size too. So if I filled them all up to their proper individual tire pressure, my car sat crooked as hell. It felt as if one side was up on a curb or something. So in order for the car to level out, I would park the car at a gas station and have my little brother fill up each tire while I stood about 10 feet away to determine when the car looked level. Well, level to me, but not using a construction level or anything, just my eyeballs. One tire was like 40 psi, another was 33 psi, and the rear ones were like 25 psi, to give it that low rider look. But I think the car had been crashed in its previous lifetime because in order for the car to drive in a straight line, the front of the car had to point off to the left, but just slightly. And when I stepped on the brakes, the steering wheel would shake like some of those modern video game controllers. Wait, it gets better. Or is that worse?

I had two big ass 15 inch woofers in the back. I even took out the back seat to expose the woofers, and I am sure blow my eardrums out, as I cruised through Stockton playing rap music loud as hell. Back then, in 1989, rap music was rebellious and in its infancy. N.W.A., Too Short, and 2 Live Crew blasted out of my car daily. My steering wheel and rear view mirror would occasionally rattle, but not from the bass coming out the speakers, but from the jacked up suspension and alignment.

woofers

Cruising the city was easy and fun, but if I hopped on the highway, which I rarely did, I had to keep it under 55 mph. If I went over 55, my seat would start to shake, like one of those electric chairs at the mall that gives you a full body massage. And if I tried to do 70 mph, which I did just once, the whole car would shake violently, even the steering wheel. It felt like the asymmetrical rims would fly off at any moment, but they never did. But one time when I did like 65 on the highway, as I was exiting, I looked in the rear view mirror and I saw one of my shiny silver hub caps had come off and it was chasing me on the off ramp. I stopped my car, got out, and retrieved my shiny hub cap.

My Monte Carlo is long gone now, but my one and only life’s vehicle is still with me. Wait, let me make sure. Yep, just ran to the mirror and looked, my body is still there. And guess what has happened since 1989? Friends have come and gone, family has come and gone, money has come and gone, cars have come and gone, but my life’s vehicle remains.

Damn I almost forgot! My real first vehicle was my Haro FST BMX bicycle. My father bought it for me in 1986 with wages of like two weeks work for him at the time. Thanks dad! I rode that bike endlessly, trying tricks and stunts and everything in between. This is my bike and me, back in the day. Please excuse the quality of the picture.

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Waffle Tacos and Rappers

What should you do if you enjoy waffles, eggs, and sausage for breakfast, but you don’t want to cook your breakfast, or you just don’t have any time? No problem. Starting on March 27th, Taco Bell will start selling the Waffle Taco for breakfast, nationwide. taco-bell-breakfast-waffle

Those of you that know me well know that I rather not eat, than eat fast food. Better call it blast food instead of fast food, because that’s what it does to your rear end. Even if I have been working all day, training clients, doing boot-camps, and I have not eaten for hours, I rather wait and eat at home than eat fast food. Because I am not a fan of fast food, the Waffle Taco looks disgusting. It should be sold with toilet paper because it looks like you will need it a few hours after its consumption. I have a simple theory: If you eat grease you will poop grease. And if you are one of those folks that believes Mexican food gives you gas, the shits, and it’s fattening, you are correct in your assumption if Taco Bell is what you consider genuine Mexican Food. But aren’t those XXL Steak Nachos from Taco Bell so yummy?

XXL-Steak-Nachos-Taco-Bell

They might be yummy, but even if you share them with a friend, that’s still 600 calories a piece, and I guarantee you will be on the toilet complaining “Mexican food shreds my guts and butt every time!” Yes it does make your guts rumble, because it’s from Taco Bell. Just think about the quality or lack there of, of the meat and cheese they must be using to sell food for so cheap.

My fast food beef, pun very much intended, is with those of you trying to lose weight, who have the financial means to eat healthier, but you refuse to do so. Fast food is not going to help your weight loss efforts, no matter if you’re rich, poor, or anywhere in between. You will only lose weight on a fast food diet if you consume less than 2,000 calories a day total, from it and other foods. And please don’t believe that it is mostly those in poverty that eat fast food. That is B.S! How do I know? Because sometimes for shits and giggles I will sit by a McDonald’s drive through to see the types of cars that visit the golden arches. And guess what I see? Yep, you guessed right. I see cars that describe the opposite of poverty, driven by moms wearing expensive glasses, and teenagers in the front and back seats of those cars wearing Beats By Dre plugged into their i phone 7, 8, 9, or whatever number they are currently on. Aren’t those headphones like 300 bucks or something? Damn!! You go Dre.

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Above, that is Dr. Dre, yes, the Beats Headphones guy, wearing the blue L.A. Dodger hat, and that is Ice Cube on the far left wearing an N.W.A. jacket. This is the group that started gangster rap. The group came together around 1988. That’s so long ago that Drake the rapper was about 2 years old and Nicki Minaj was about 6. Does anyone know what N.W.A. stands for? Just kidding. If you don’t know what N.W.A. stands for, go check it out.

Do you want to know why I believe that anyone can lose weight? Because if Dr. Dre can go from producing songs for N.W.A in the late 1980’s, and selling albums with zero radio play, to currently convincing America and the world that adults and their children need 300 dollar headphones, anything is possible.

And if you think those dudes in the picture above look pissed, you should go listen to their music from back then. Facial expression and rap lyrics match to a T. After you go to Taco Bell today or tomorrow and you bust a grub and poop, go to You Tube and look up “Straight Outta Compton” by N.W.A. The first rapper to rap on that song is Ice Cube. Yes that Ice Cube. The one from the “Friday” movies and Coors commercials. He was angry in his N.W.A. days, but he has chilled out considerably. I think success and money quenches anger flames, just a tad.

The first time I heard the N-word blaring out of my boombox speakers, it was from N.W.A. I couldn’t believe my ears and I had to rewind the cassette tape, yes cassette tape, over and over to make sure I was hearing what I thought I was hearing.

merkrebs

And sure enough I was hearing the N-Word. I was amazed by N.W.A.’s ability to express their inner city frustrations through beats and rap lyrics. I was even inspired. My boombox had the ability to record so I recorded myself rapping. My rap went something like this (try not to laugh, I was just a teenager) “My favorite cartoon is Scooby Doo, my favorite color is blue, watchagonna do?” After I played my rap back for my own self critique, I quit. LOL. Well I kept on writing raps that morphed into poems. Then those poems morphed into short stories. And now those short stories have morphed into a collection of stories from my teenage years that somehow is turning into a novel. It’s coming along great. My book is about 70% complete, so stay tuned. Thanks N.W.A. In a strange way you inspired me to write, and even blog.

Hopefully I can inspire my weight loss nation to cut back on fast food. But it has been a challenge to do so. I have learned that humans have a difficult time changing their habits, even if it is for health benefits. Unless they get a health scare, like diabetes, fatty liver disease, or some smoking related illness, most humans resist lifestyle change.

Oh, before I forget. I saw another food the other day that made me say WTF!

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What ever happened to the days of eating potato chips because they taste like potato chips? What’s next, Oreo cookie flavored hot dogs? Or how about Rocky Road flavored pizza? Don’t laugh, that’s the direction we are headed in.

Win Free Weight Loss Sessions!

If you live in the Silver Spring Maryland area, and you are trying to lose weight, today might just be your lucky day.

lucky_day

Here’s the deal. For the New Year, I will be taking on one new client for FREE. Don’t bother rubbing your eyes. It is not a type-Oh no! You read that right. You will get me, in shape year round Hector Vargas, six pack abs Hector Vargas (Ok that was a bit much), Weight Loss Coach extraordinaire, owner of VIA Wellness, for free. I will help you lose weight. My methods work, if you work at it. But there’s a catch, or should I say, “some rules” to my FREE training.

labRules

The rules above are pretty cool and funny, but those are not the rules I am talking about. Here are the rules: To qualify for my FREE weight loss training and teachings you must be at least 40 pounds overweight. You must be willing, I will take care of the able, to train with me 2 times per week, move 3 additional hours per week on your own, and you have to want it! So far so good, right? Well, there’s more. There’s always more.

I have learned the hard way that when people get things for free, even something as valuable as my training, they don’t always appreciate what they are being given. So, whoever wins my free services will write me a postdated check for ALL the personal training sessions we complete. We will also both agree on some weight loss goals to be accomplished by March 20, 2014, the first day of Spring. If these doable weight loss goals are not achieved when March 20th rolls around, I cash the check or checks for ALL of our training sessions. If you do complete your goals, you keep your money and buy a new wardrobe.

money

Here’s how you qualify to win my weight loss training package. First, you must write me a well written email, essay, letter, whatever you want to call it, and explain to me why you deserve to win the VIA Wellness Weight Loss Training Package. You must also tell me what you are willing to do to accomplish your weight loss goals, what has held you back before that will not hold you back now, and any other reasons you have for me picking you and training you for free. And the last part is: you must write in detail  “What is your number #1 reason for wanting to lose weight?” (Let me give you a hint on this last part. The reason should be about you and no one else. Because in the long run, it is mostly you who benefits from a healthier you.) Once you are confident with your writing, email it to me at vargasfitness@aol.com.

Winner

And when I do pick you, because your essay is so powerful it moves me to tears and to help you, there will be one last qualifying step. We will meet in person, and you will read what you wrote to me. This will allow me to hear your sincerity, and I will be able to detect if you truly want to lose weight. But the real reason I will want to meet you in person is so that I can look you in the eyes when I ask you “Do you really want to lose weight?”. If you don’t break eye contact and respond “Yes” or better yet “Hell fucken yes!”, I will know you are serious. The eyes rarely lie. Why do you think it’s so hard to look someone in the eyes, especially if you care about them, and lie?

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I don’t care how old or young you are, if you are man or woman, gay or straight, legal or illegal, black or white, or anywhere in between, I will help you. As long as you want to lose weight as bad as Michael Jordan and Ray Lewis wanted to win championships, you qualify in my eyes. But remember, I TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, so you should too. If I choose you, our journey will commence January 6, 2014. What are you waiting for? Get to writing. The winner will be announced January 1st.

 

Attention All Men! Ladies, You Can Read Too.

I promise that my next post will be about weight loss, exercise, or food. But today, I must share something with you, especially the men, that made me say WTF when I first learned about it about a week ago. WTF does not stand for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Gentlemen, I present to you Booty Pop. These are women’s stuffed panties that make their badunkadunks go POP! Or how Snoop would say “Pizzop”.

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WTF!

booty-pop

Because I always kid people, I thought my wife, my friend, and his wife were kidding me over dinner, as they enriched my life with their knowledge of BOOTY POP. I thought they were all in on the same joke, and I was the mark. But a smart phone quickly confirmed that Booty Pop is very much true. Hell, just a few months ago I learned about Spanks, and now this. What’s next, bras that make a woman’s boobs look bigger than they really are? Well, they have those too. And no technology is too advanced for the “Patented Ventilated Bra Pad”.

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Ok, so now that the booty is popping, the boobs are bigger, but not really, and as my wife says “the jiggles are kept from jiggling” with Spanks, what’s next, fake eyelashes to make a woman’s stare more seductive? Damn! They got those too.

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Don’t tell me they have products to make women’s hair longer. Yep, they got that too.

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Gentlemen, this is getting muy loco! What’s next, a product that alters a woman’s height and posture causing her boobs and booty to pop even more? Oh yeah, they got that too. High heels. (High heels cause hyper-extension of the spine and flexion of the knees, among other posture effects, causing the booty to protrude).

heels

Damn whats next, a product to change the color of a woman’s eyes? Yep, they got that too. And apparently, in many colors.

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Now don’t tell me they have a product to make a woman’s skin look healthy with a perfect tan? Of course they have that.

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Man, I hope the following scenario doesn’t happen to a young man: A young twenty-something year old male goes to a friend’s wedding in the Spring. The weather is perfect. He is there for two reasons, to support his friend, and to pick up on a single twenty-something year old hot woman. The drinks start flowing and he spots her, and her him. Because they both have beer and liquor goggles on, they both like what they see. The attraction between these two young adults is all physical, as most attraction between drunk people is. Because he’s been drinking, his usual shyness is long gone, and now he’s funny and charming. The young woman’s attraction for him grows and grows. It’s getting late, and everyone at the wedding reception is either drunk or tired, or both. His liquid courage allows him to ask her to go on a moonlit walk down by the private lake. They will be the only two souls there.

Moonlit_lake_by_MenschMachinen

At the edge of the water, they walk and hold hands under a full moon. The scenery and feeling are perfect, like in the movies. He turns to her and kisses her. He tastes rum punch and gum, and she tastes whiskey. They unwillingly detach from their kiss. They both need oxygen. She gazes into his inebriated eyes, and him into hers, which were brown that morning, but currently light blue. Because she’s drunk, and the setting is romantically perfect, and some women are suckers for that type of thing, she almost says “I think I love you”, but instead she says “Let’s go skinny dipping”. He says “hell yes!”. Clothing goes flying in all directions and they jump in the lake. No monkey business takes place, (get your head out of the gutter), but they do tongue wrestle a few times. They decide it’s getting chilly, and proceed to exit the lake and walk towards their clothes. Because he’s a man, drunk, curious, and a bit horny, he lets her get out of the water first so he could check her out under the moonlight, and he can’t believe his eyes when he sees her in her birthday suit. SURPRISE!

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“There must be piranhas or alligators in the lake!” he thinks because her butt is gone, her boobs are too, she’s missing a few finger nails, one eyelash is missing and the other one is half hanging on, chunks of her hair are floating in the water, it looks like her skin is melting because the spray tan effects are wearing off, and she’s about 4 inches shorter now. No longer is her booty poppin. Because his mom raised him right, and he has manners even when tipsy, he doesn’t say anything and helps her get dressed. The End.

Ok fellas, I have warned you about the deception that is out there. But don’t blame the ladies, blame society which puts out images of perceived perfection of celebrity women, and pressures the everyday, hard-working woman to emulate them. Just look at Eva Langoria below.

eva-longoria-without-makeup

Or Kim “booty poppin” Kardashian.

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High heels also make her booty pop, more than it would naturally. And no one can convince me her tan is real.

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Look how far in front of her butt and waist her head is. That isn’t correct posture. Image A is proper posture. Image C shows the posture effects of high heels. Booty and boobs get to poppin.

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If women wear high heels long enough, their feet might evolve to look like this.

high-heeled-feet-2

Ok men, the women have spoken and they have said the following; “We, the independent ladies of the 21st century will stop accessorizing, with much effort, under one condition. All men must stop using their little blue and yellow performance pills and show us what they really are about, without pharmaceuticals.” Damn ladies! You drive a hard bargain.

viagra_ou_cialis

Walk a Little a Day

Hello everyone. Are you getting ready for the big weekend? Will you attend a BBQ? If you do, I hope you eat everything you enjoy. Go ahead, eat hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, have soda (diet of course), and have some mixed adult drinks if you like. Yes, that is correct. I said “DRINK UP”.

hot_dogs_and_hamburger

Remember, I have a love-hate relationship with alcohol. I love how it makes my brain feel, but hate what it does to my body. Is that just me? When I do drink, I prefer liquor mixed with water, and some tiny chunks of frozen water.

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Today I want to talk to you about the power of walking half an hour a day at a 3mph pace. What did you think, that I was just going to give you the green light for “Labor Day Gluttony” and dipsomania?  I am a weight loss friend, coach, and homie, remember?

Time for some math. DON’T PANIC! This is simple math and does not involve variables and exponents. And you definitely do not have to solve for X.

If you walk for half an hour, at a 3 mph pace, you will burn about 150 calories. If you do that everyday for a year, you will burn, 150 x 365 days in a year = 54,750 calories burned. If you divide 54,750 calories by the 3,500 calories in 1 pound of fat, you get 15.6 pounds. That is correct. If you changed nothing else in your life, and just started walking half an hour a day at 3 mph, or 1 and a half miles total, you would lose about 15 pounds in one year! Don’t forget, a year goes by pretty quick. It’s already going to be September.

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I know what you’re thinking. “Hector, I mean, Healthy Homeboy, I can’t walk EVERY DAY for 1 year. I need some time off, like weekends and stuff”. Ok, I will bargain with you. How about if you walk half an hour, for only 300 days out of the year? You will lose about 12 pounds! Sounds great to me.

Remember, there are 52 weekends in a year. If you don’t Move Your Ass, M.Y.A., on weekends, you will only be moving about 265 days out of the year. If you don’t move Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, which, by the way, is somehow now considered the weekend for folks, you will only be moving (365 minus the 156 days total of days in 3 day weekends in a year) = 209 days. Yes, if you only move 4 days a week, you will only move about 209 days out of the year. Throw in some holidays, sick days, hangovers, lazy days, must watch TV, and before you know it, you’re only moving about 150 days a year, which is less than HALF a year. The moral of the math is mueve tus nalgas todos los dias.  And yes, this blog can be in English, Spanish, or to really confuse the hell out of single language speakers, SPANGLEEEESH. I checked with Obama. He said because I served in the US Marines, and Marines protect his family, I can blog in two languages. But I think that El Presidente said it’s OK for me to blog in Spanish, occasionally, because the Latino Vote helped him successfully defend his title of El President. Sorry Mitt. (On a side note. Mitt Romney’s father was born in Mexico. I’m serious. Look it up. I mean Google it).

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Speaking of our Prez and the Spanish language. When I talked to “O”, that’s what I call our Presidente sometimes, I informed him that Malia, his daughter’s name is pronounced just like malilla in Spanish. Barack was a bit disappointed to find out that malilla in Spanish means: a person full of wickedness and malice. Yikes! We all make bad choices sometimes, even in naming our children.

In his disappointment, he blamed the daughter naming blunder on Michelle. He also said to me “I knew we should have named Malia, Lela instead”. I said “Oh hell no Mr. Prez! I know Lela is a popular name with English speakers, but Lela in Spanish means: stupid, ignorant and crazy.” So if your name is Lela, do not travel to Central and South America, Spain, and East L.A. People might look at you funny when you introduce yourself.

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Then the Prez got peeved and tried to get even. He said “What’s your mothers name Hector?” I said “Rosa”. He was like “Damn, that’s a nice name, and means rose in English. Nothing wrong there”. Then his Harvard education kicked in, in the name of defense of his family. He said “Do you know what your name, Hector, means in English” I said “Yes, it means bad motherfucker”. I said it with a smile. The Prez laughed and asked “Seriously bro, do you know what your name means in English”. I said and nodded side to side “No”. He said “Hector in English means to boss around or verbally bully someone”. I said “Damn Prez, you got me there. That’s a good one”. Then I said “Sounds like your name should have been Hector Obama, as much as you tell people what to do”. The Prez laughed and I proceeded to cut his lawn because he ordered me to. He is so damn bossy, except with Michelle.

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Then I trained Michelle. I had her do push-ups, sit-ups, squats, and all sorts of crazy stuff. She’s in pretty good shape.

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