I know today is Friday, and Mother’s Day is Sunday, but if I wait until Sunday to post this, many of you mothers probably won’t get a chance to read it because you will be so busy with other stuff. So…
One of the cool features humans are equipped with is the ability to dream and fantasize. So allow me to tell you ladies, mothers, what I would do for you for Mother’s Day if I had a kazzillion dollars. And don’t bother checking how much a kazzillion is, just know that it is more than a billion, a jillion, and a trillion!
First, I would fly you all on a private jet…(no children or husbands allowed, mothers only)
to a private beach resort.
On this private jet you will be served food and drinks of your choice, but here’s the good news. The drinks actually cause you to burn fat! And the food makes your body to feel like it’s exercising, causing you to burn even more fat. So by the time you get off the plane at your destination you will be more toned and sporting a beach body. Also, on the plane you will get a facial and pedicure because I have learned that moms love this type of stuff.
Ok, you have arrived. It’s about 9am so time to have some breakfast with all your girlfriends. And the good news about the food and drinks continues: The food and drink on this island has negative calories. That means that the more you eat and drink, the more fat your body burns. So mothers, get your drink and grub on.
Ok, now go to your rooms and unpack. Don’t worry, your luggage is already there. While you were eating, the private jet was unloaded and all luggage taken to its correct destination. Now that you have unpacked, back to poolside for some more “fat burner” drinks and to do what mothers like to do when they are around other mothers and they have had a few drinks, talk your butts off!
It’s about 1 pm now, and it is nap time. Yep, you heard me right. Mother’s need naps. And I am not talking about a 10 minute nap either. I am talking about 1 to 2 hours. There’s a light breeze, your buzz has made you sleepy, and you enter into the land of REM. Ok, wake up now. I know, you’re hungry from your nap. Go ahead and order some more food and a drink. “Oh waiter, oh waiter…can you bring me one of your fat burner sandwiches with a fat burner margarita please?”. “Claro que si” the waiter says. Oh yeah, all the staff at this resort looks something like this…
But they’re all gay and in relationships, so don’t get any funny ideas ladies.
Now it is spa time. You’re getting a massage, mud mask, your temples rubbed, and whatever else it is women do at spas. At this spa they have alcoholic drinks that not only burn calories, but they also tighten up the pores of your skin and diminish wrinkles, so drink up!!!.
Spa time is over. It is about 6 pm now. Go to your room, and go into your grandiose walk-in closet that has been fully stocked with sexy dresses, sexy shoes, and matching purses and earrings, and get ready. A professional make up artist/hair stylist will come to your room upon request. Be at the lobby at 9 pm sharp, looking sharp. It is 70 degrees with a light breeze, and the sunset view from your room as you got all dolled up was beautiful.
Now it is dinner time, and guess what you’re having for dinner? Anything you want, with any drink that you desire, in any amount you desire too. And this food and drink is even better for you than the fat burner food and drink you had earlier. This food also takes away any physical ailments you may have been dealing with like headaches, back aches, tight muscles, stomach discomfort, or foot pain. You know those high heels you’re wearing, well this food makes those high heels feel like your walking on cotton. That’s how heeling this food and drink is.
Now it is time for the show, on the beach! Because I am a kazzillionaire, I flew in Cirque De Soleil and they will be performing a never before witnessed show just for all you mothers.
The show is over and you get to meet and greet the performers. You take a bunch of pictures and post them on FaceBook to make your friends jealous, especially those moms you don’t get along with. It’s getting late. But you’re having a great time, you are tipsy, and you just realized you are on an island with a bunch of mothers who feel just like you and want to continue having fun too. Never fear, I planned for that. Because not only am I a kazzillionaire, I am also a smart kazzillionaire who knows how to plan for the ladies.
All of a sudden all the lights go out, and there is the loud sound of thunder in the air. But you don’t see lightning, and the bright stars and glowing full moon tell you that your night will not be ruined by rain. Techno music kicks in, night club type lights illuminate the beach and tropical night sky, and this appears….
That’s right ladies, I flew them all in from Vegas just for your visual delight, and they are all straight. Enjoy the performance and no touching bellow the belly button. And remember, what happens on this island stays on this island. Happy Mother’s Day!!!! The flight back home leaves tomorrow at 12pm.