Diet Drill Instructor

Hello everyone. If you’re on the East kizoast, that’s coast in Snoop Dog vernacular, never fear, spring is a few short weeks away. Well 5 weeks isn’t quite that short, but look how fast we went from New Year’s Day to today. Speaking of the New Year, remember those New Year’s Resolutions? Specifically the one that went like this: This year I will eat better, move more, and lose weight. How’s that going?

new years resolution funny

Well if you haven’t lost any weight, or not as much as you thought you would by now, I will be giving you some Military Style Boot Camp rules for you to follow so you can drop some el bees. These rules are not up for debate either. No whining, complaining, or “Can I try this instead of that?” or “Can I eat this instead of that?” allowed. I will be your psychological diet Drill Instructor today. This will be a one way conversation with you just saying “Sir, yes sir!!” after all my diet demands. And just like my Marine Corps drill instructors back in 1991, if I ask you to do something regarding diet and exercise, I have done it before, and am probably currently doing it.


Those are some bad asses above. None of them were my drill instructors. I got the picture off of the internet. Whoever they are, keep it up Drill Instructors! Make Marines out of our of willing young men and women, while I make weight losers out of the willing too. (Key word here is WILLING)

Here we go with the rules, ready? This is where you say “Sir, yes sir!!!!!”

1. Drink water with all your meals. This means no soda, juice, coconut milk, 5 dollar frappa-million-calorie-chinos from Starbucks, and all those other juices that I don’t know about.

2. Reduce drastically or even eliminate alcohol consumption for at least one month. “Oh no!! the horror of drinking less” you’re probably thinking. Well, if you are trying to lose weight and you drink more than 5 drinks per week, and you refuse to reduce your alcohol consumption, you are going to have a difficult time losing weight because alcohol, whether it be beers or liquor, is loaded with calories. Every client of mine who has reduced alcohol consumption has lost weight. And those that eliminate it for more than a month are always shocked at how fast the weight comes off.

3. MOVE!!!! You are not a sloth. Yes, you must start to move. There is no way around it. That means walk 1 mile a day, minimum. Walking a mile only takes about 20 minutes. In one year you would have walked 365 miles. In one year you will burn 45,625 calories by walking 1 mile a day! Ok, wait for it…here’s the wannabe drill instructor in me coming out. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND START TO MOVE!!!!

4. Stop eating like you’re never going to eat again. You are not starving, and chances are you’re not going to.

5. If you have a desk job, learn how much 2,000 calories is and don’t eat more than that per day.

6. Ladies, don’t eat or drink like a man. If you do, you will be as heavy as one.

7. Stop complaining about exercise. Unless you work construction, you probably don’t move enough, so get to moving.

8. Stop going to restaurants that serve you so much food that if an NFL lineman saw you eating those amounts he would say “God Damn! That’s a lot of food!”

9. Never ever go to a buffet! No one who is trying to lose weight needs to eat as much as they can, ever. Recovering alcoholics shouldn’t go to bars, right?

10. Eat at home, or food made at home, as much as you can. Because at home you know what you’re eating.

11. If you know cookies, ice-cream, potato chips, etc are your weakness, DO NOT have them in the house. A recovering cocaine addict shouldn’t have cocaine in the house, right?

And now for my drill instructor speech. (Remember this is all in fun). That is actually me below, as a recruit in Marine Corps boot-camp in 1991.

me marines


“Ok, listen up weight loss recruits. You are standing in front of me because you have committed to weight loss. Weight loss and fitness is earned, it is not handed out, it can’t be bought, and it can’t be inherited like money or good looks either. Let me say it for you. ‘Weight loss is a mother-fucker. It sucks!’ Is that right? Is that how you feel? Well, you should feel that way because most goals worth accomplishing are not easy to accomplish. If it was easy to lose weight, everyone would do it. And that my friends, is not the case. Just look around you. Over half of the United States is overweight. So obviously this weight gain thing is a problem, and a growing one too. But we have a choice. We can sit here and bitch and moan about how hard it is to lose weight, and how it’s an uphill battle, or we can do something about it. Who gives a shit what others are doing! It’s about what you want to do, which is to lose weight, and what you’re willing to do to get there. If you are fed up with being overweight, go ahead and cry. Let it out. Let out your frustrations in tears. You can even curse if you want. Yes, you can say “bitch, shit, fuck, God Damn, I am tired of being overweight” as tears stream down your face. Go ahead and try it. I always feel better after I cry, so you probably will too. But when I do cry, I don’t expect people to pity or baby me, and I won’t do that for you either. I am here to lead you. So be honest with yourself and commit to change. Get off your ass, drink your water, eat less, and do it every day. Your weight gain probably didn’t happen overnight, so the weight won’t leave overnight either. You can absolutely lose weight! Do you understand what it takes?”

This is where you stand at attention and scream at the top of your lungs, with conviction, “SIR, YES SIR!!!”









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