About Calories

Ok, now I have seen it all. I am constantly telling my clients and weight loss soldiers to watch out for the bad things we like to eat like potato chips and chocolate. Well, the R and D department over at Lay’s must really have it in for my weight loss teachings because look at what they have created.


WTF! Wasn’t double stuffed Oreo’s and cheese stuffed crust pizza enough? Isn’t the Bloomin’ Onion from Outback, with it’s over 2,000 calories, enough? That’s right, over 2,000 calories as an appetizer. Holy Shit!!!

bloomin onion

You would have to walk 15 miles to burn off 2,000 calories. And from witnessing people at mall parking lots, circling the lot and waiting for a parking spot to make itself available, that is close to the entrance, because god forbid they park 50 feet away where there are plenty of spaces, I know we aren’t walking no 15 miles. Hell, we don’t even like walking 15 minutes.

What’s next, donuts filled with cream? Holy caca, they have that too!


What’s next, deep fried Snickers wrapped in bacon? Holy double shit!


This is too much? I’m going into diabetic shock just writing this. Someone call an ambulance! But there is absolutely no way, like none, like no chance of a snowflake in hell, that they would take a Krispy Kreme doughnut and make a hamburger with it. Could it be?


Holy clogged aorta Batman! I actually saw the above at the Maryland State Fair earlier this year. I couldn’t believe my eye balls. You know what? Obviously deep frying chicken, fish, fries, and regular dough to make funnel cakes wasn’t enough to satisfy the human voracious appetite. What the hell, let’s just fry everything.


Let’s even deep fry the classic PB and J.


Ok, the ambulance you were supposed to call  to save me from my diabetic shock didn’t arrive in time, and now I am in a hypoglycemic induced coma. And when I wake up, I will go to the other end of the sugar level spectrum and go hyperglycemic, by consuming a chocolate ice cream and peanut butter shake from Cold Stone.

Cold Stone PBandC Shake

This son of a gun has 2,000 calories, and how can I say this? Uhmm…let me think. Oh yeah, it has a shitload of sugar and fat! Here’s what 2,000 calories equals.


The worst part about consuming 2,000 calories in one sitting is that that is the amount of calories the average adult in America should be consuming in a whole day, but we consume closer to 3,000 a day. Yes, if you are physically active, and by active I mean more than just walking around the mall or Disney World once in a while, you can eat more than 2,000 calories a day. By the way, walking around at the mall or a theme park does not count as exercise, that is called life. Exercise is what you do in addition to life’s physical demands. Construction workers and hiking tourist guides, you are excluded from exercising in addition to your work.

pedi cab

And pedi-cab workers that I see in many big cities, eat what you want. You guys must burn a bunch of calories, daily. Because you know what burns more calories than riding a bike? Riding a bike while pulling some tourists around.


Choose your calories wisely, according to your physical demands.


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