The Fart Gun

Farts are funny. They are so funny that my research, I don’t do research, but if I did, it would prove that half of you at least smiled when you read my opening sentence.

Think about it, if you see, or better yet, hear a baby fart, you will laugh. If you hear a toddler fart, you will laugh. If you are in church on a Sunday morning, during that period where you and your fellow parishioners bow in silence, and you hear p-r-r-r-r-r-r, yes a fart, you might laugh and simultaneously wonder what the farter ate the night before to have them farting in church. I don’t believe that farting in church is a sin. But if it is, lord help us all because everyone I know, and that includes you, has committed worst spiritual transgressions than just farting in church. By the way, I attended catholic school for 7 years, giving me the right to comment on farts and church. Because churches are quieter than libraries for monks, and their acoustics are awesome, fart sound waves in large catholic churches bounce off the blessed walls and their sound magnifies tremendously. Farting in a large church guarantees everyone will hear it, especially during a moment of silence, but not that everyone will smell it.

fart smell

Farts are so funny and mysterious that sometimes when we are all by our lonesome, in a zen like state, we will let one rip and smile at our farts end. Even glamorous pretty women do it.

Girl farting

Have you ever been all alone by yourself and decided to fart. I mean you let your stomach and lumbar back muscles relax, all the way down to your intestines and butt, and then p-r-r-r-r-r-r! A machine gun sound is delivered from between your butt cheeks. At first, you’re embarrassed that your gas passing was so long and loud. But then, when you remember you’re alone, you’re quite impressed by your body’s ability to make a loud sound from below. If you are one of those super mature humans who don’t laugh at farts, lighten up. Life is too short to not laugh at one of the human bodie’s natural gifts, pedos.

Generally, I don’t fart around my wife for two reasons. First, I don’t need her to be smelling my stink. And second, but mucho mas importante, I don’t want her to get into the habit of returning the favor. Remember that whole “do unto others” thing, well I don’t want my wife returning fire. But I have a sister who has been a victim many times of the fart gun. Some of you ladies who grew up with brothers may know of the fart gun because you have experienced it up close, but some of you have not been lucky enough to witness the power of the fart gun. Either way, I will explain how I BLAST my sister with the fart gun, often. Love you sis.

My sister is four years younger than me. She lives in Florida with my brother-in-law and my beautiful bilingual niece Gabriella. My sister is smart, a self motivator, energetic, and professional. My fart gun zaps the professionalism right out of her. It works every time.

This is how it goes down. My sister and her family either visit me here in Maryland, or my wife and I go down the Florida to visit her. No matter where I go, my fart gun travels with me, across state lines and internationally. Because Norma is a great cook and a dietician, she can cook great healthy meals. And when she does, I eat everything in sight, and I do mean errrything. And guess what mixing all sorts of food and drink can do to the human body? You guessed right, it will provide potent ammo for any fart gun on planet earth.

So once my ammo is available and my fart gun is locked and loaded, I wait for my sister to be doing something like reading, cleaning, or even just waking up from a nap. I want her mind totally distracted, and then it happens. The element of surprise works well in a fart gun ambush. I make an imaginary gun with my hand and point right at her head or chest.

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Norma looks at me, and then at the barrel of my fart gun. That would be my extended index finger. Her eyes open wide, like really wide, when she realizes she’s in my military trained cross hairs, hence, she’s screwed. And what is there to say, or what can you say, when you’re in the presence of a Marine who qualified expert multiple times in the Marines, and he is now wielding a loaded fart gun in your direction from about 10 feet away? I will tell you what my sister says, or better yet, yells in disgust before I bless and blast her with my pedo pistola. “What are you Hector, twelve?” Or she might say in frustration “Dude grow up?”. Or even better she might say “You’re nasty dude. Do your friends and clients know that you do this?” And the truth is I’m 41, not 12, and very immature. Maturity is overrated, and I obviously have not grow up. My friends, some family members, and clients probably didn’t know I carry a fart gun, but now they do. Don’t worry clients and friends, I will only use my fart gun on my sister.

With gun pointed and ammo in the chamber down under, I blast my sister. Sometimes I lift one leg as I shoot for full effect. She knows not to run because I am fast, and then I will catch her and blast her from point-blank range causing her more emotional pain. It is painful enough for her to have to hear my farts, but smelling them is a double whammy. So ladies, never run from the fart gun.

My brother-in-law watches in awe sometimes, and laughs his ass off as my sister curses me to the heavens and then to the deepest caverns of hell. I have not done the fart gun to my niece because I don’t want her to go to school, she’s in pre-K or something, and pointing her finger at a student and letting one rip. How would her parents explain that one? Or worst, pointing her fart gun at the principle and letting one rip. The good thing is that my niece has plenty of ammo. Several times I have heard her fart, and she laughs every time.  Say "Cheese"

So next time you see someone who thinks their “all that” remember, they fart too. Everyone farts! Yep, my neighbors fart, priests fart, cops fart, the president farts, pretty woman fart, handsome men fart, and even the queen of England farts. Infallibility does not exist, but fart guns do. Move over NRA, the NFGA (National Fart Gun Association) is here.

Hey sister, guess what I have been working on and will unleash on you next time I see you? The Double Fart Gun, Marine Corps Style. Stickem up!

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