The Fart Gun

Farts are funny. They are so funny that my research, I don’t do research, but if I did, it would prove that half of you at least smiled when you read my opening sentence.

Think about it, if you see, or better yet, hear a baby fart, you will laugh. If you hear a toddler fart, you will laugh. If you are in church on a Sunday morning, during that period where you and your fellow parishioners bow in silence, and you hear p-r-r-r-r-r-r, yes a fart, you might laugh and simultaneously wonder what the farter ate the night before to have them farting in church. I don’t believe that farting in church is a sin. But if it is, lord help us all because everyone I know, and that includes you, has committed worst spiritual transgressions than just farting in church. By the way, I attended catholic school for 7 years, giving me the right to comment on farts and church. Because churches are quieter than libraries for monks, and their acoustics are awesome, fart sound waves in large catholic churches bounce off the blessed walls and their sound magnifies tremendously. Farting in a large church guarantees everyone will hear it, especially during a moment of silence, but not that everyone will smell it.

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Farts are so funny and mysterious that sometimes when we are all by our lonesome, in a zen like state, we will let one rip and smile at our farts end. Even glamorous pretty women do it.

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Have you ever been all alone by yourself and decided to fart. I mean you let your stomach and lumbar back muscles relax, all the way down to your intestines and butt, and then p-r-r-r-r-r-r! A machine gun sound is delivered from between your butt cheeks. At first, you’re embarrassed that your gas passing was so long and loud. But then, when you remember you’re alone, you’re quite impressed by your body’s ability to make a loud sound from below. If you are one of those super mature humans who don’t laugh at farts, lighten up. Life is too short to not laugh at one of the human bodie’s natural gifts, pedos.

Generally, I don’t fart around my wife for two reasons. First, I don’t need her to be smelling my stink. And second, but mucho mas importante, I don’t want her to get into the habit of returning the favor. Remember that whole “do unto others” thing, well I don’t want my wife returning fire. But I have a sister who has been a victim many times of the fart gun. Some of you ladies who grew up with brothers may know of the fart gun because you have experienced it up close, but some of you have not been lucky enough to witness the power of the fart gun. Either way, I will explain how I BLAST my sister with the fart gun, often. Love you sis.

My sister is four years younger than me. She lives in Florida with my brother-in-law and my beautiful bilingual niece Gabriella. My sister is smart, a self motivator, energetic, and professional. My fart gun zaps the professionalism right out of her. It works every time.

This is how it goes down. My sister and her family either visit me here in Maryland, or my wife and I go down the Florida to visit her. No matter where I go, my fart gun travels with me, across state lines and internationally. Because Norma is a great cook and a dietician, she can cook great healthy meals. And when she does, I eat everything in sight, and I do mean errrything. And guess what mixing all sorts of food and drink can do to the human body? You guessed right, it will provide potent ammo for any fart gun on planet earth.

So once my ammo is available and my fart gun is locked and loaded, I wait for my sister to be doing something like reading, cleaning, or even just waking up from a nap. I want her mind totally distracted, and then it happens. The element of surprise works well in a fart gun ambush. I make an imaginary gun with my hand and point right at her head or chest.

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Norma looks at me, and then at the barrel of my fart gun. That would be my extended index finger. Her eyes open wide, like really wide, when she realizes she’s in my military trained cross hairs, hence, she’s screwed. And what is there to say, or what can you say, when you’re in the presence of a Marine who qualified expert multiple times in the Marines, and he is now wielding a loaded fart gun in your direction from about 10 feet away? I will tell you what my sister says, or better yet, yells in disgust before I bless and blast her with my pedo pistola. “What are you Hector, twelve?” Or she might say in frustration “Dude grow up?”. Or even better she might say “You’re nasty dude. Do your friends and clients know that you do this?” And the truth is I’m 41, not 12, and very immature. Maturity is overrated, and I obviously have not grow up. My friends, some family members, and clients probably didn’t know I carry a fart gun, but now they do. Don’t worry clients and friends, I will only use my fart gun on my sister.

With gun pointed and ammo in the chamber down under, I blast my sister. Sometimes I lift one leg as I shoot for full effect. She knows not to run because I am fast, and then I will catch her and blast her from point-blank range causing her more emotional pain. It is painful enough for her to have to hear my farts, but smelling them is a double whammy. So ladies, never run from the fart gun.

My brother-in-law watches in awe sometimes, and laughs his ass off as my sister curses me to the heavens and then to the deepest caverns of hell. I have not done the fart gun to my niece because I don’t want her to go to school, she’s in pre-K or something, and pointing her finger at a student and letting one rip. How would her parents explain that one? Or worst, pointing her fart gun at the principle and letting one rip. The good thing is that my niece has plenty of ammo. Several times I have heard her fart, and she laughs every time.  Say "Cheese"

So next time you see someone who thinks their “all that” remember, they fart too. Everyone farts! Yep, my neighbors fart, priests fart, cops fart, the president farts, pretty woman fart, handsome men fart, and even the queen of England farts. Infallibility does not exist, but fart guns do. Move over NRA, the NFGA (National Fart Gun Association) is here.

Hey sister, guess what I have been working on and will unleash on you next time I see you? The Double Fart Gun, Marine Corps Style. Stickem up!

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Interview With a Loser, of 50 Pounds!

It is uncommon for me as a trainer to have a client that does almost everything I ask or recommend of her/him, in order to lose weight. Wendi is one such client. From the beginning, Wendi has done EVERYTHING I have asked of her in her weight loss endeavour. She has exceeded all my expectations, and I am happy to say that Wendi is also my friend.

Wendi dismisses some of the common excuses I get from folks in their battle of the bulge. Here are some of those excuses: “I’m too old. And when you’re older, it’s impossible to lose weight”. Wendi is 50, yes 50. And by the way, 50 is not old. “I have a full-time job. It’s hard to workout after you work” Wendi has a full-time job too. And at one point during our training she was going to school to get her masters, AND training with me, And exercising on her own to lose weight. “It’s harder for woman to lose weight”. This last reason does have some validity to it, but it can still be done. Just look at Wendi.

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After

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What a body transformation, right? When I saw her this past Saturday for my “Walkers for Weight Loss” group that she participates in religiously, I couldn’t believe how great she looked. The irony of the “before” picture above is that they were celebrating her Big 50, as in turning 50, but now she can celebrate her other big 50. Wendi has lost 50 pounds in one year! She has also lost 7 inches around her waist, no lie. That’s right, for all you 50 and above, full-time working women who want to lose weight, Wendi did it, and you can do it too.

Because humans have a tendency to resist change, even if it is for our own good, I have always been intrigued and impressed by people who make changes in the name of mental or physical improvement. I have been lucky enough to witness positive change in friends, family, and clients. I have several clients who used to be tobacco smokers, and they quit completely. Wow! I have a friend who quit drinking sodas and lost about 40 lbs in a year. Wow! And I have one super good and close friend that if I told you the inspirational story of his struggles and change, first, you wouldn’t believe me, and second, you would probably say “You should write a book about that.” Hmm, now there’s a thought. Now back to Wendi and her change.

I interviewed Wendi so I could get a better idea of how and why she changed her body. Even if your are not trying to lose weight, her story may be inspirational for other areas of your life that may need some improvement/change. I think we can all agree that we can all use a little change for the better. During our interview, we went over plenty. So in the name of brevity, I picked 5 questions and answers that I thought were importante.

1. Why did you decide to lose weight? “After my spinal fusion last year, I was sent to an independent medical examiner to certify the status of my recovery. This doctor advised my employer that due to the fact that I was ‘obese‘ and the extent of my surgery, I was ‘100% disabled‘. This was my turning point”.

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STOP THE PRESSES! I always harp on the importance of having that one reason that will override all possible excuses for not losing weight. We talked about the above answer for about 20 minutes. Wendi couldn’t believe she had been labeled “obese and 100% disabled” by a doctor, even if it was true at the time. Not wanting to be obese and disabled drove her day in and day out to lose weight. It was her purpose and driving force, and it obviously worked. In laymen terms, the doctor’s words lit a fire under Wendi’s nalgas and in her soul.

2. What is the biggest change you made to help you lose the weight? “My biggest lifestyle change is my dedication to exercising along with my food intake adjustments”. (No further comment on this one) Actually, I just lied. I am going to comment. If you are trying to lose weight, print several copies of question and answer #2. Tape one to your refrigerator, you car dashboard, your bathroom mirror, and anywhere else you will see it. That means taping it to the back of your smart phone too. The answer to question #2 works better than weight loss apps. Seriously!

3. What is the toughest change you made? “Cutting back on cheese and chocolate/dessert.” Notice she didn’t say “not eating cheese anymore”, or “not eating chocolate or dessert anymore.” She just cut back on those unnecessary calories.

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4. What was the easiest change? “I really don’t know of an ‘easy’ change.” I 100% agree with her answer. It took me many years to understand why people, including myself, don’t just change our bad habits. It’s just not easy, but it can be done.

5. What excuses did you used to make to not exercise? “Not having the ‘spare’ time. was my most prominent reason not to exercise. Now I find myself putting other activities aside so I can work out.”

Well, there you have it. Those were some very honest answers about her weight loss journey.

My observation is that Wendi doesn’t make excuses for herself. I know for a fact that she sometimes doesn’t feel 100% for her workouts. On occasion, she has aches and pains, and long days at work, but she always shows up for her workouts. Sometimes she may have a great Friday night with friends, adult drinks and not so good food included. But come Saturday morning, there she is at the park, ready to do the weight loss walk at 9am sharp. And occasionally, after the walk, she tells me what a great time she had the night before and how tired she is. I then ask her if she is going to do the boot-camp after the walk? She almost always says yes. You go Wendi.

you go girl

O Canada, Wedding, and Elvis

Hello everyone. Last week my six month old blog went over 4,000 views. Wow! Damn, and I don’t even use Twitter. My blog has a feature that tracks countries I get views from. People in over 40 countries have read, or at least viewed Healthy Homeboy. That is muy loco, right? Most of my views are from the United States, but who the heck in Germany is reading my stuff. I have 33 views there. And I could spell Banana Republic, and occasionally shop there, but I would have never been able to spell Czech Republic before today. Sure enough, I have views from Czech Republic too. The Z after the C in Czech, would have killed me in a spelling bee, and so would the word rendezvous.

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When my father was 16, he was smuggled from Mexico, into the U.S. in the trunk of a car. He made it to El Norte, North of the border. About 10 days ago, I did the same. No silly, I didn’t risk my life to cross a border, but I did go north of the border, to Canada, for the first time. But unlike my father who risked his life at a young age, with hopes of making a better life for himself by going north, I just went north for a family wedding and to visit Niagara Falls with my boo (wife).

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Niagara Falls was awesome, or should I use the word that is used to describe everything from a simple sandwich to a kiss nowadays. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Remember, when you use the word amazing to describe anything, you have to drag it out. But before we did Niagara, we had a great time at my wife’s cousin’s wedding in Toronto. Her name is Nareesa. She married Craig, and they make an awesome looking couple.

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This picture was taken right after they were declared esposo y esposa. They were very happy. The groom looked sharp, and Nareesa’s beautiful dress was only outdone by her. In all honesty, every time I have hung out with Nareesa, she is always happy, and of course, this day she was extra happy. Congratulations!

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As you can see from the picture above, it was a diverse wedding, just like the planet is. And everyone, from the groom to the bride, and attendees, looked sharp. Craig, I like the top hat, nice touch. And wedding party girls, you wore the purple and gold/yellow better than the Lakers. Fellas, you know you looked fly too. (Fly is a good word, for those of you with limited slang vernacular).

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The wedding reception was fun. People got tipsy, danced and sang, and all three of those actions were taking place in the above picture. I must confess, I consumed a few drinks that rhyme with Whodini, and is occasionally served with olives.

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Above is the bride, groom, and his mother-in-law sharing a moment. My favorite part of the picture is the little girl next to them, staring with genuine care and excitement. That little girl’s name is Atiyah. One of my favorite pictures I took at the wedding was of Atiyah and her little brother Aydin, who was obviously more interested in his sister’s phone screen, than my spur of the moment picture-taking. That’s what little boys do, bug older sisters.

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The reason the picture above is my favorite is because genuine happiness and joy is difficult to capture in a picture. Plenty of pictures have fake, forced smiles, but not the picture above. That wedding day, whenever I saw Atiyah, she was always happy. No matter if she was taking care of her younger brothers, or doing something an adult asked of her, she was all smiles. Atiyah, keep up the happy existence, and Aydin, keep rocking that spiked hair, and stay in your sister’s business. It’s what little brothers do.

Thank you Craig and Nareesa for such a great wedding and wedding reception. May you have a happy marriage, and remember that the foundation of any good relationship is compassion and friendship. I am sure you two will do just fine.

Oh yeah, before I forget. Elvis is not dead. He moved to Canada and performs by the Falls.

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And to my wife, who like Atiyah, is always happy and smiling, and those of you who know Shalisa well, know I am not kidding or exaggerating. Happy 10 Year Wedding Anniversary!

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Sugar Drinks and Weight Loss Part 2

Hello everyone. September was a very busy month for me with family and work so I didn’t have time to blog much. But I’m back, energized, and ready to help the brave and committed in their “battle of the bulge”. I know some of you who are trying to lose weight would rather watch a video than read, so I made a short video for you. It has great information regarding weight-loss and sugar drinks. Enjoy. Oh before I forget, I do not keep the sugar drinks you see in the video in my home, because I practice what I preach. I bought the sugar drinks this morning.