Hollywood’s Weight Loss Secret and Beauty Secrets

The new weight loss super supplement is here. Sensa. It requires no diet or exercise, the sellers of Sensa claim. You just sprinkle some magic Sensa dust on your food and your brain will think you are full and you will eat less. By the way, I thought they said no dieting. Isn’t eating less dieting? The Sensa commercial even claims it is one of Hollywood’s best kept secrets. When they say “Secrets”, I think they are talking about one of those secret tools that stars have, especially the ladies, to keep them looking so perfect. I browsed the internet, or is it the cloud now, for some other movie star secrets. I want to know how some of these ladies look so perfect all the time, because I think it is unfair that they may have beauty secrets that my female amigas don’t.

My investigative efforts found some other secretos.

I don’t know who the heck that is on the left, but if she is and was transformed into Sofia Vergara on the right, that is one hell of a Hollywood secret and capability.

sofia vergara no make up

Holy Carrot Top batman. Quien es esta mujer?

kathy-griffin

GOD DAMN!!! Tell me that is not Tori Spelling on the left.

tori spellinng

Holy caterpillar like beauty that few people would even look twice at…

Jennifer Hudson No Makeup

transformed  into a woman with the simple and effortless beauty of a butterfly that only nature can provide, and a ton of makeup. She must be a Dream Girl, because girls can only dream of this transformation.

jenniferhudson300

Ay-ay-ay, caramba, que es esto?

eva longoria no make up

I think I just heard Tony Parker rant “I married the girl below. Who the hell is the woman above?”. (In my best Spanish language accent, which comes to me very easily, thank you very much.) I preeesent tu joo Eva Longoria. The 80’s looking chick in the the pic above is pretty, but DAMN, the one below is Rockin!!!!

eva-longoria-lation-awards-gala-03

Before any woman says “Oh Healthy Homeboy, that is so mean and tasteless. The way you are lifting the veil of deception off of these ladies faces”, may I remind you that society is always throwing in your beautiful face how glamorous and perfect Hollywood women are. Women have tons of pressure on them to look a certain way, and that is not cool.

Ladies, I beg you to fashion yourself with your desires, wishes, hopes, and likes. Wear what you want to wear. Life is too short. If you want straight hair? Girl, wear that hair as straight as you want, like a horses tail even. You want to wear make up? Wear it because YOU want to wear it. Don’t put pressure on yourself to look a certain way or like a certain movie star who belongs on FakeBook or FacadeBook, instead of FaceBook. Curly hair is awesome. Straight hair is awesome. Wavy hair is awesome. Every color hair is fugging awesome. All eye colors look great and could be transformed into “intense and piercing” with the right make up amount, but more importantly, with the right amount of confident attitude that I know you have.

beautiful_eyes_pencil_drawing_by_al54xx-d5lskuo

My lady friends, today you have my permission to wear what you want to wear because you like it. YOU ARE LIBERATED!! If you have a shortened Achilles tendon, or plantar fashionitis because you wear high heels that not even the Flying Wallendas could balance on, throw them shits away, and wear flip-flops today. But if you are going to church on this beautiful Sunday, put on your flip-flops after you purify yourself at your weekly soul cleansing event, and you’re back in your car cursing at the parking lot traffic and going home to watch an R rated movie.

Live it up ladies. Pick up some of your girlfriends in your minivan today, and tell the one who is on the Sensa non-diet, diet, to bring a few packs of Sensa with her. Have your Sensa friend sit shotgun so she could hand you those Sensa packs when you’re driving over a bridge on the way to your favorite burger joint. Have her hand you the whole box of Sensa if possible. Roll down your window, with “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper playing, and your friends singing along off key and loud as hell, and fling the Sensa out the damn window. Now haul ass as fast as your turbo charged mini van can to the burger joint. Go through the drive thru because you want to listen to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” as you eat in the parking lot.  Order bacon cheeseburgers and fries for everyone, and for the lactose tolerant, a big ass milkshake.

Cyndi-Lauper-17169536-1-402

Now eat, laugh, and smile, and look at each other and realize that you are having a great time. Makeup is optional. No one is judging anyone. A few of you even burp loud as hell. One of you takes the teenage like entertainment a bit too far and even farts. It is great though. The fart stinks, because women’s farts stink too, and you roll up the and lock the windows so everyone has to smell the stinky fart.

do_not_pass_gas

A few years from now you will all get together for this or that social occasion. You will drink some wine and loosen up, and one of you will begin to laugh uncontrollably. One of you will ask “What’s so funny?” The one laughing will respond “Remember that time, after my second child was born, I was on that Sensa diet and you came and picked me up in your minivan and let me sit shotgun. It was me, Sofia, Eva, Tori, Jennifer, and that red-head friend of yours. Remember we drove over a bridge and threw the Sensa box out the window on the way to ‘Healthy Homeboy Hamburgers’. Remember I said I wasn’t lactose intolerant, but I was and still am, and had a big ass milk shake. I farted really loud and you rolled up the windows…” We remember the good times. Live it up, dress how you like, but don’t fart around me.

Oh yeah, before I forget. If you do use Sensa for a few months and you eat less, you probably will lose weight. Eating less helps people lose weight.

 

 

 

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