An Inexpensive and Healthy Breakfast

“It’s too expensive and time consuming” are the two most common complaints I hear when I, or any other health nut, asks someone to eat healthier. I will address both real life obstacles below. Let’s talk about breakfast.

I workout 3 times a week with weights at a local gym. I walked into the gym this morning at about 8:00 am to do my Friday workout, and I could not believe what the receptionist was having for breakfast. I assume it was breakfast because of the time. She was nibbling on a half eaten blueberry muffin, and sipping on a can of regular Red Bull. Seriously!?

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After my workout, I came home to make my typical breakfast post-workout meal before I went to go train some clients. Yes, I do workout on an empty stomach. I do not recommend it. This is one of those “Do as I say and not as I do situations”. I think my ability to workout on an empty stomach was developed in the Marines where we would run and exercise early in the morning, almost every weekday, on an empty stomach.

My typical breakfast is 3 to 4 regular eggs. 3 eggs

Depending on how hungry I am, I have either a cup, or half a cup of cooked brown rice.

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I use brown rice that takes about half an hour to cook. I make enough to last me a week so that whenever I want to eat brown rice with my eggs, or any other protein source, I don’t have to cook it. I just take the desired amount of brown rice I want to eat out of a container in the fridge, warm it up, and add it to my comida.

I first mix some eggs in a bowl and have them ready to pour in a buttered pan.

Butter on pan

If you have cholesterol issues, don’t like butter, or don’t eat butter for other personal reasons, that’s ok. You can use Pam or any other nonstick cooking spray to lightly coat your pan with, and it will work just fine. Butter makes my scrambled eggs tastier than other pan lubricants, so I use it.

When the butter starts to melt, I pour the brown rice into the pan to warm the rice and give it a buttery taste. It takes about 1 minute to warm.

As the brown rice warms, I  pour the eggs I mixed minutes earlier into the pan and scramble the eggs, rice, and butter all together. For those of you who cook as often as you go to the moon, like never, unless you are an astronaut who reads my blog in which case I am honored, below is what a  mixture of eggs and brown rice looks like. It was my actual breakfast. Notice the glass of water to the side.

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Let’s add up the calories of your possible breakfast: 1 egg is 70 calories. Let’s say you use 2 eggs, that is 140 calories. You should probably add 1/2 cup cooked rice to your eggs. 1/2 cup of cooked brown rice has about 110 calories and 23 grams of carbohydrates.  If you use butter, go ahead and add 100 calories for the tablespoon of butter you used to butter your pan and make the eggs taste deeeee-lish! 140+110+100(if you used butter and not Pam cooking spray)= 350 calories. I drink water with my breakfast and with almost every meal I consume, but maybe you want milk with your breakfast. 8 oz of reduced fat (2% fat) milk has about 122 calories. Now your breakfast is 472 calories total, and that is awesome! You are now the proud owner of a happy stomach that will breakdown your healthy meal and give a healthy start to your beautiful busy morning. (I purposely omitted commas from the previous sentence to get my “Earnest Hemingway” on. He often left commas out and wrote his ass off).

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The above meal takes about 10 minutes to make, tops! Remember, I precooked the brown rice earlier in the week, so it was ready to be warmed and consumed. Now for the price breakdown.

I searched on my personal Google machine for “average price of one dozen eggs in America”. My conclusion is that it is about 2 dollars. So each egg is about 17 cents. Wait! I just texted my sister to ask her about the egg prices, just to make sure. She is a mother, registered dietitian, and a coupon clipping, smart with her money person. I think she is best described as frugal. She said the average price for a dozen eggs is about $1.99, so I was right. Yahoooooooo! Arriba, Arriba! Andale, Andale! (Speedy Gonzalez anyone?)

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The brown rice I use costs me about 6 dollars for a 32 ounce container. It makes about 15 cups total of cooked brown rice. 6 dollars divided by 15 cups = .40 cents per cup. Half a cup of cooked brown rice is about .20 cents. I am sure there is brown rice much cheaper than the one I use. I am picky about things that go into my body, like food. Imagine that.

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I also use Land-O-Lakes Butter. It costs about 5 dollars for a pack that has 4 bars of butter. So each stick is about $1.25. If I use one eighth of the stick, which is about a tablespoon, to butter my pan, that’s about (1.25 divided by 8) .15 cents per serving.

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For you milk drinkers. The average gallon of milk costs about $3.50. There are sixteen 8 ounce glasses of milk in a gallon. $3.50 divide by 16 = .22 cents per 8 ounce glass of milk! Yes, that is less than one quarter for a glass of milk.

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Here’s the grand total for my typical breakfast: 4 eggs at 17 cents per = .68 cents. One cup of cooked brown rice = .40 cents. A tablespoon of butter = .15 cents. That is a grand total of 123 pennies! I drink water, from the sink even. So let’s say that’s another, I don’t know, nickel for my glass of water from the sink. The grand total is now 128 pennies, or 1 dollar and .28 cents for my breakfast that contains more eggs and rice than yours should because I probably move much more than you do. It’s my job to be in shape and train others to do the same. (For those of you who are worried about my cholesterol levels because “eggs are bad for you” and I eat so many, no worries. I recently had blood work and everything is OK.)

So there it is. My breakfast, that you can have too, comes to a total of $1.28. If you decide to have milk with yours, you will increase the price by a quarter or so, but it will still be cheaper than an expensive coffee from you know where.

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The above Frapa-full of empty calories-chino has about 600 calories, if it’s a Venti. That is over 100 calories more than the healthy breakfast recipe I just gave you. Let’s add a piece of Banana Walnut Bread to your Frapa-muy loco-chino from Starbucks too. Because bread goes great with anything. That’s another 490 calories! Oh what the hell, let’s round up. That’s 500 calories, for a grand total of 1,100 calories for breakfast. If you’re trying to lose weight, the Starbuck’s breakfast above is a no-no. It also costs about $7 bucks, if not more. That equals almost 3 of the brown rice and eggs breakfast I described before.

Stay tuned for other bland recipes to help keep the weight off. I say “bland” because a lady I was helping lose weight once asked me what I eat for breakfast. I said “Well I don’t have much variety…” she cut me off and said “yeah, you look like you eat pretty bland”. I took it as a compliment. Today’s motto is “Bland In The Name Of  Health”.

Testosterone Tuesday

Ladies, the following is exclusively for men so please stop reading. Why are you still reading? Just kidding, read and learn why men have an advantage over women when it comes to losing weight and how easy it is for them to increase that advantage without even exercising.

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine asked me to post information that will help men lower their body fat levels.

Here comes the bad, and what women feel to be unfair news and fact: Men have an average of 10 to 20 times more testosterone than women. Testosterone builds muscle. Muscle gain increases metabolism, and a higher metabolism aids in fat loss. Sorry women, please file your complaints with the “Human Evolution” department.

Men, if you want to lose fat resulting in muscle tone and definition, and if you want to stop adding notches to your increasing belt size, or even worse, having to buy new belts, OPTIMIZE YOUR TESTOSTERONE LEVELS!

Optimal Testosterone

I will not bore you with medical jargon regarding testosterone and other anabolic hormones for two reasons. One, I like to keep it simple. And two, endocrinology is not my specialty. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

Testosterone Optimizing Protocol.

1. If you have some excess pounds on your body, like 20 and beyond, losing weight will definitely aid you in increasing your testosterone levels and optimizing other hormones like insulin, cortisol, and HGH.

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2. Reduce your alcohol consumption. Drinking excessively can cause aromatization of testosterone, turning it into estrogen. Estrogen is the hormone that makes women women, and some men, womanly. This is one reason heavy drinking males have “man boobs” aka, “moobs”. Dudes with moobs probably don’t have optimal T levels. “YOU CAN”T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!’ ( This is not how man who played a Marine General should ever look. And a real former Marine should never look like this either). Marines are supposed to be lean-mean fighting machines.

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3. I am not telling you not to drink, but if possible cut back on those adult beverages. You will lose weight and increase T levels in the process. Beer bellies are not in right now.

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I don’t know if the above picture is real or not, but if it is real. WOW!!!

3. Reduce stress levels as much as possible. Stress increases cortisol, which is also a hormone. Cortisol and testosterone do not work together, like Republicans and Democrats. And although consuming alcohol is not the best stress buster for you, it does work, so choose wisely.Try to do stuff you enjoy and takes your mind off of things without drinking to de-stress. That is the best thing for you and your T levels.

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4. GET YOUR SLEEP! I know, I know, we live in a society where it is almost a badge of honor to say “Oh I only slept 4 hours last night, and I feel fine”. Yes, that can be quite impressive, but that is not the best thing for you. And how do you feel with your”sleep deprivation” badge of honor? If you’re sleep deprived often, you probably feel like shit, you’re tired, get sick easily,and your face and eyes are all puffy much of the time.

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The body recovers mentally and physically while you sleep. Why do you think that you have slept a third of your life. For the math challenged, if you are 30 you have slept roughly 10 years! Also men, you wake up happy (pitching a tent) in the morning because your body is busy at work during your sleep, producing testosterone. Your gonads are active while you snooze. GET YOUR SLEEP!

sleeping couple

5. Optimize your vitamin D levels. The best way to do this is…no, not a supplement. Get your man cave dwelling, air-conditioned loving, cubicle warfare participating, TV watching, sun screen wearing, afraid of skin cancer butt outdoors. Direct sunlight is the best way to optimize your vitamin D levels. I am not asking you to be in the sun hours per day, 20 minutes a day or so will do. Or you can really get creative and kill 2 birds with one stone by exercising outside. (The dude below is 41 years young).

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6. Eliminate processed sugar from your diet. And if I here one my person tell me “Fruit has sugar, why is that ok?”, or “Healthy Homeboy you’re always advising me to cut back on sugar, but I see you eat fruit all the time, what gives?”, I think I’m going to have a real fit. I am talking about the sugar below.

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7. Get some blood work done to find out if you are deficient in anything. Vitamin D, Zinc, B vitamin levels, and other stuff they can test you for is very important to know. You can also get tested for your Testosterone levels. That may answer questions like: Why are you so emotional all the time (excess estrogen)? Why are you so tired all the time? Why doesn’t your friend Woody visit as often as he used to? And why do you just feel like shit more and more? (Shit gets a bad rap. But in the end, it is just poop).

The above protocol should be done and committed to before any man over 40 even thinks about working out or taking one of the Testosterone supplements that are promoted everywhere to increase T levels.

If your yin-yang twins haven’t been working correctly lately, yin-yang twins produce T by the way, it is not because of a blue or yellow pill deficiency. My protocol will help those meds work better too.  I never lie when I write/blog, unless I am writing fiction. This is not fictitious.

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Stay tuned for workouts that will hep boost your testosterone levels. With the above protocol and a good workout routine, you will lower your body fat levels, increase muscle mass, and feel better in no time. Your significant other will be happy too.

happy-ladies

Workouts for 40 Year Olds, and Beyond…

Walk about 1.5 miles. Do some push-ups, crunches, squats, light jogging, and some bicep curls. That’s what these women did, among other exercises, on a Saturday morning at 9am (today). They are part of my “Walking for Weight Loss” group. Good job ladies. 12 ladies total showed up.

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My crew walking and talking. That’s a healthy walki-talki.

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I have no mercy. Push-ups ladies. One more rep!!

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After all that walking and push-ups, chest press. On your back ladies!!!

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Catching her breath, and I don’t blame her. Today’s workout was not easy.

After the ladies finished, I did a light workout of my own because I must practice what I preach. Below are some pictures of yours truly “Healthy Homeboy” doing a full body workout. No weights or illegal hormones required.

Warm up with some jump squats.

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It got hot, so I took off my shirt. Show off!!

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I can still jump high.

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High skipping

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Better form below.

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Ready to sprint. DSC_0757

Below, Healthy Homeboy in “haul ASS motion”!

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Below, hauling ass continued.

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Look out below, for push-ups.

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Alternated with jackknifes for lower abs.

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Crunches.

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Full range of motion pull-ups. Marine Corps style. No kipping allowed.

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Baby got back, upper back.

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I believe everyone pictured above is 40 or older, including me. Age is no excuse for inactivity and lack of fitness.

Motivation For Fitness

What is old? I have heard people in their 30’s complain that they are getting old. What? Seriously? The San Antonio Spurs, who are in the NBA Finals as I type, are constantly called old because some of their star players are in their 30’s. Floyd Mayweather JR., an undefeated professional boxer is 36 years young and is an absolute machine. He may be athletically gifted, but he still busts his ass and diets to maintain his weight and undefeated record. Old, I don’t think so.

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Don’t call Tao-Porchon-Lvnch old. She is the world’s oldest yoga instructor at an exuberant and graceful age of 94 years young! She is pictured below.

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How about Johanna Quaas? She is the oldest gymnast in the world at a young and spry 87 years old.

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Johanna is my new fitness hero.

older gymnast

Ok, ok, so you don’t see yourself as old, but you have other physical challenges and that is why you don’t workout, no problem. Alex Minsky is missing part of his leg. War Veterans serve our country with little thought paid to life and limb. This former Devil Dog, that means U.S. Marine, could have sulked, complained, and seen the worst of his situation, but obviously he didn’t. He is now a fitness model. (His recovery after he lost his leg in Afghanistan was brutal. For a period after his amputation, alcohol and I am sure other substances, consumed his life to numb his pain and emotions. Move over “negative outlook on life”, look at him now).

former marine model

Now before you just skim over the picture and text above, like it’s a compressed piece of useless uninspiring information (tweeting), do yourself a favor and think about what it must have felt like to wake up one day, after an explosion and a coma, and realize that part of your leg was missing. That has to be physically and emotionally crushing.

Think about how challenging it was for this former Marine, with his Marine pride, to start working-out again. It isn’t like he could just go back to the gym and jump on a treadmill and then go do squats and lunges. He probably had to learn how to walk, jog, run, sprint, ride a bike, swim, and all other activities involving both legs, all over again.

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I am sure he doesn’t feel great, full of energy, dynamic, or “simply amazing” every time he works out. I am sure he still has pain from his injury. And then there is phantom leg syndrome, in which an amputee feels as if the missing limb is still there and working properly. Now those are some challenges for your ass.

It is a fallacy that every time people who workout, or are in great shape,  head to the gym, they feel great. The human body is not a machine. If it was, we would be able to hook ourselves up to our computers and get a daily printout of vital signs, blood-work, and current emotional state, but we can’t. The human body’s function is not that simple. We are complex physical and emotional machines.

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Life is absolutely a roller-coaster ride. Think of all the ups and downs you have had during this calendar year alone, let alone your life. We don’t always feel great, and that is ok. What matters is the effort you put into the goals you have regardless of how you feel. The address to weight-loss is 12345 Get Off Your Butt No Matter What Way, in the City of  Ups and Downs. The girl below is the landlord there. (I don’t know her personally). 

before and after weight loss

You’re tired? Go workout.You’re anxious? Go workout. You’re angry? Go workout. You’re depressed? Go workout. I promise you one thing, just one. If you start your workout not feeling so great physically and your mental state matches the lethargy of your physical state, by workout’s end, you will feel better. I see it in my clients over and over and over and over…again. Exercise is the bodies free medicine, with few or any side effects. I just lied, oops. Side effects for exercise include but are not limited to: Decreasing blood pressure, losing weight, less joint pain, anti-depressant effects, more energy, healthier skin, lowering of bad cholesterol levels, and last but not least, a boatload of good self-esteem.

Remember, this post is for those of you who truly want to lose weight. I hope that some of the above examples inspire you in your weight loss challenge, and any other worthwhile goals you may have.

 

 

Weight Loss, The Power of .1, or One Tenth

A deep underwater sea earthquake, landslide, or volcanic eruption disrupts the ocean floor. Mega-tons of water are displaced, creating a wave that zooms across the ocean surface towards land at 500 miles per hour. Because the wave lengths are so long, the ocean surface only rises about 3 feet out at sea. A ship out in the open water would probably barely feel or detect the enormous tsunami wave moving under it. As the wave approaches land the sea floor becomes shallower and shallower, forcing the wave to decrease its speed to about 50 mph. But as the wave’s velocity decreases, the height of the wave increases because all that water has to go somewhere. And then SPLASH and SMASH!, the millions of gallons of water that were displaced hours earlier hit land and travel inland for miles. Destruction ensues, and Anderson Cooper is on-site like in 5 minutes. That dude is everywhere. Isn’t he? I personally think there is more than one Anderson Cooper.

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Above, how a tsunami wave grows as it approaches land. Below, before and after pictures of tsunami power. If you look closely you will see Anderson Cooper amongst the rubble and people, like he always seems to be.

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Tsunami Weight Gain

It’s about 7:00 PM on a Sunday evening. As you watch Anderson Cooper wondering how he is in Thailand covering a tsunami, when  27 minutes ago he was in New York city, you enjoy a nice healthy dinner.  At dinner’s conclusion, you decide to have some “harmless” ice cream for dessert, because you deserve it at the end of a long weekend. And besides, tomorrow is Monday, back to the grind. Three-hundred and fifty excess calories in the form of Rocky Road disrupt your stomach floor and create a wave of insulin. And because 350 calories is 1/10th of 3,500 calories, and 3,500 calories constitute a pound of fat, you gain .1 pounds in one day. I know, math was a long time ago and “so yesterday”, but it is important for this post and some college degrees.

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So you “harmlessly” gain .1 pound in one day. Let’s say you weighed 140 pounds before your innocent looking dessert last night, well today you weigh 140.1 pounds. No big deal right? You continue with a consumption-wave of an excess 350 calories a day, every day, for the next few months. One tenth of a pound gained in a day never hurt anyone. No harm no foul, so you think.

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Above is one tenth, for those of you visual learners. A dime is also one tenth of a dollar, for you mathematically challenged. If you didn’t know that a dime is a tenth of a dollar, do not go into accounting or try to invest in stocks on your own. Math is critical in those endeavours. Now back to the story.

Ten sunrises go by, that means 10 days, and the energy displacement you have created by an innocent looking and feeling 350 excess calories a day have led to a pound gained, because one tenth multiplied by ten equals 1. There’s that damn math again. The scale says 141 now, instead of 140. No big deal right? The tsunami-wave of excess calories traveling throughout your body almost goes unnoticed. What harm is there in one pound gained in 10 days? Besides, you still weigh 140-ish pounds and it’s easy to lose a pound.

At the current rate of .1 pounds of weight gained a day, every day, you gain 1 pound every 10 days, and 3 pounds every 30 days, or month. A month has gone by, about 30 sunrises, and that harmless tenth of a pound gained daily now shows itself as 143 on the scale instead of 140. So what, no big deal, your weight is still 140-ish.

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Six months go by, and now the .1 pound daily weight gain has totaled 18 extra pounds on the scale. Here comes the tsunami weight gain. Instead of the 140 you weighed 6 months ago, now at 158 pounds, you’re closer to 160 than 140. Now it’s becoming a big deal.

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A year goes by, and bye, and that tenth of a pound gained daily that seemed so “harmless” and could barely be felt by you months ago, like a fishing boat barely feels a tsunami wave traveling under it out in the ocean, is now 36 extra pounds on the scale. The one year ago 140 pounds on the scale has morphed into a 176 pounds, and now you’re pissed! The tsunami weight-gain wave floods your body and violently crashes into your emotions. All hell breaks loose in your ocean of emotions. You sit, think, and backtrack. “How did this happen? I don’t remember eating 36 pounds of excess food this past year. I thought I was doing great. I mean, I eat good, sometimes. I workout, sometimes. I know I have some junk food here and there, but no way did I eat enough to gain 36 pounds in a year”.

Ocean of Emotions, Settle Down

Thanks for enduring my story that went from bad to worse, and then to worse than worse, and had you gaining 36 pounds in a year. I did it to prove to you how easy it is to lose weight. Yes, you read that correctly. You, my dear weight-loss friend, can create a tsunami weight-loss wave by losing a tenth of a pound a day. Just reverse the above example.

You will displace 350 calories a day by walking, or doing some other physical activity, and cutting back on foods you know you shouldn’t be consuming.

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Ten days go by, and you have been eating less and healthier, moving more, and drinking your water like I recommended. You even cut back on your adult drink, empty calorie consumption. You weigh yourself after what you feel has been 10 days of Marine like discipline and dedication to your weight-loss plan, and all you have lost is one measly pound.

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You’re a bit disappointed. But don’t forget, you’re doing “tsunami weight-loss”. And what seems insignificant on the surface after 10 days of dieting and moving, is really a powerful wave of positive emotions, daily discipline, and a positive energy shift within you which will shake you up soon enough. The first wave of happiness and sense of accomplishment will come after six short months, when you have lost about 18 pounds. Then the real mama-jama (Is that even a word?) wave will hit about a year later, bringing with it elevated self-esteem, shopping for smaller sized clothes, and a new you.

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We gain weight over time, and we lose it over time. Both are powerful, but as far as weight-loss goes, only one is empowering. Now go empower yourself.

 

 

 

 

Wednesday is Women’s Weight-Loss Day

Hello ladies. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read my blog. From now on I will try to focus on women’s health on Wednesdays.

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I first want to apologize on behalf of all of society for constantly bombarding your brain, computer screen, ego, and self-esteem with images of beautiful women.

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I get it Beyonce, and so does every other woman. You’re beautiful, talented, and wealthy. Advertisers, thanks for the one-thousandth reminder.

That’s not cool for you ladies, right? The constant and in your face reminders of perfect bodies with unblemished faces to match. I know, there’s a whole hella of a lot of photo-shop going on, but still. Sometimes when I go grocery shopping, I walk down the aisle with the magazines and stuff. I can’t help but notice the abundance of magazine covers reminding us of how beautiful this star and that star is, and many of those celebrities are women. Don’t idolize them, idolize yourself. It’s healthier for you. Trust me, you are beautiful too.

So, you want to lose some weight. I will help you in that department because it is what I am good at, and it is a bit of a duty for me. I will give you some rules, pieces of advice, or techniques you can try to implement in your weight loss plan. Remember, you are someones Beyonce just like I am my wife’s Jay-Z, minus the millions of record sales, owning sports franchises, ice (that’s diamonds), and private jet flights. So what, I bet you Sean Carter can’t speak Espanol like I can. I know him by Sean by the way. We go way back. And I know he doesn’t have mi cuerpo either. Me and Jay, I know him like that too, still get along. No envy on either side, just admiration from afar.

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Now let’s get going with some rules and advice.

1. Write down your weight-loss goals. Make it clear how much you want to weigh. The human body works better when it knows what it wants.

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2. Do not eat like a man. So what does that mean? It means that if you are a woman, and you said to me “Hey Healthy Homeboy, let’s go to dinner and discuss a plan for me to help me lose weight”, and I obliged. Once we get to the eating establishment and we both order our food, when the food arrives, your plate should not look like mine in quantity. I am 5’11’ and weight about 185 pounds. If you are shorter than me, you should probably weigh less than I do. In order to weigh less than me, you should eat less than I do, all of the time.

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3. The following information piggy backs of the one you just read. A 20, 30, 40, 50, and 100 pound dog needs a certain amount of calories/energy to maintain its weight. If it goes over that amount, it will gain weight and not move efficiently. You, my dear lady friend, are the same. No, you are not a dog or pee in the woods. Well, I hope you don’t pee in the woods, unless your drunk or something. Back to my point though. Like a dog and other animals, you are a creature of a certain height and body structure, not big-boned, that has an optimal weight for your body to function most efficiently. Find and decide what that weight is, and eat and move accordingly.

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All the dogs above have to eat for their predetermined size, we should too.

4. If you are trying to lose weight for health reasons, that is great! But I warn you, it will turn to vanity and you will start buying clothes to show off your slimmer figure. Your self-esteem will shoot to the moon, better yet to the sun, because that’s farther away than la luna.  And a woman with high self-esteem can accomplish anything. They are pleasant to be around too.

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Above, self-esteem and confidence to the max. You are a lady tiger, ARRHHH!

5. You have to move. You must do cardiovascular work 2 to 3 times per week for a minimum of a half hour at a time. Your body and heart will thank you for it. Walking leisurely is not cardio. Walking does burn calories, but for most people, it will not elevate their heart rate enough to get the true benefits of cardio training. Walking in the mall, an amusement park, in a museum, is just life and not cardio.

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Walking fast and up a hill is cardio. Swimming, biking, playing tennis, or an aerobics class is cardio. Zumba is cardio. I don’t know if the Wobble is cardio though. Break-dancing is cardio too, but it’s hard. Yes, I was one of those kids that used to spin on my back on a piece of cardboard with a boombox blasting next to me in the early 80’s. Why didn’t my parents just put me in lacrosse or something to burn off all my excess energy?

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6. You must lift weights. Don’t worry ladies, you don’t have enough testosterone to get buff. Here are some benefits to muscle-building. Lifting weights increases your metabolism, yay! Lifting weights strengthens muscles, ligaments, and tendons, keeping your chance of injury in case of a God forbidden fall to a minimum. Lifting weights strengthens and increases bone density, keeping osteoporosis in check.

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So there you have 6 pieces of advice that will go a long way in helping you lose weight and keeping it off. My favorite “Healthy Homeboy” rule for women is: Don’t eat like a man.

Please share this with every woman you know who is trying to lose weight.

 

 

Some Helpful Advice

There are certain things in life that we should rarely, if ever do. Let’s start with men.

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Men, if you suspect a woman is pregnant because you see something that resembles a baby bump in her abdominal region, but you are not sure, NEVER ASK “Are you pregnant?”. Because if you are wrong, you will feel like an ass, and look like an even bigger ass, especially if there are witnesses.

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Men, no matter how tough you are, never, ever, pick a fight with a man who is younger than you and you suspect might have some type of professional boxing experience. Unless you have boxing or mixed martial arts experience yourself, a boxer that weighs a mere 160 pounds will easily knock you out. It is what they train to do.

Juan Manuel Marquez of Mexico takes a punch from Manny Pacquiao of the Philippines during their welterweight fight at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas

Men, unless it’s of the utmost importance, you should never ask a woman her age, especially if there is the slightest chance she is north of forty. And most definitely, never, ever, try to guess a woman’s age, unless you work at a carnival collecting dollars to guess a person’s weight and age, and hand out teddy bears when you are wrong.

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Young men, never text or email to breakup with a woman. That is some punk $h*t. You had the courage to be present in the physical form when your were trying to get smooches and go past first base, now have the gonads to breakup in person.

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Ok ladies, hurry up and finish laughing because now it is your turn to get some advice from Healthy “Helpful” Homeboy. Women, if you are going to wear some attractive, high heel, open toe shoes, please get a pedicure. It completes the package. Remember, beauty is a head to tips of the toenails endeavour, and not just head to ankle. Think of it as nice rims and tires on a sleek and sexy Ferrari. I am sure you don’t like raggedy feet on a man. Well, it’s a two-way street.

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Next piece of advice for the ladies. If you are one of those women who thinks that the front passenger’s seat of any car substitutes great for a reclining beach chair, and that the dashboard is a footrest, please get a pedicure before you display your feet for all to see on the highway. If you can’t afford a pedicure, I understand, the recession makes us prioritize our expenses, but at least paint your toenails. If you are cheap, I will break the law and steal some nail polish from my wife’s collection and mail it to you. She has all kinds of fancy colors.

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The feet above are not my wife’s, and neither is the nail polish below, but you get the picture.

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Ladies, listen very closely to this next piece of advice. Never, ever, ever, and I mean EVER, tell a man you love him, unless he tells you first. I am talking about who is the first one to say “I love you” in a relationship. I don’t care if he smells good, doesn’t curse, is highly edge-uhm-icated, and very respectful. Wait until he commits to the L word before you do. Make him prove to you that chivalry is not dead.

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Young ladies, never tell a man you like him unless he tells you first. And a text or email telling you that he likes you, does not count. Make him say it in person, and make sure he is looking you in the eyes, without blinking, when he says it.

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Over the age of 21 ladies, this is for you. If you want your man to confess feelings, have some adult drinks with him. Make sure his drinks are stronger, like w-a-y stronger, than yours. Liquor works best. Men spill their guts when they are intoxicated, some even cry, but not me of course (wink, wink). I must warn you ladies, if you can’t hold your alcohol, don’t drink with him because then you will be the one telling him that you like him, love him, and want to have his children. That scares many men away.

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And finally, some advice for everyone.

If you are trying to lose weight, you shouldn’t eat BoardWalk Fries, or

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Have a CheeseCake Factory piece of cheesecake that easily has 600 calories, or

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Have a McFlurry with M&Ms that also has about 700 calories.

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And last but not least, if you are trying to lose weight, hell, even if you are not trying to lose weight, we as a nation, should rarely, if ever, go to Food Truck festivals.

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Calorie carrying delivery trucks can’t be good for us.

Now let me tell you my plans for today. Later this evening I am going to the CheeseCake Factory to have some dinner with mi esposa. I will have some Martinis, get all googly-eyed, and tell my wife how much I love her. The waitress will be a woman in her 40’s with what appears to be a baby bump. I will say in a congratulatory way “That is so awesome, you are pregnant in your 40’s”. With a straight face, and a hand on her hip she will respond “I am not pregnant, and I am only 31 years old”. Oops! Dumb Hector.

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I will feel like a dumb-ass and order another Martini to drown my stupidity in. Alcohol alleviates all negative emotions, but just temporarily. Now more buzzed, I will tell my wife that I love her, again, and that if she loves me we should leave because I am s-o-o-o-o embarrassed for offending the waitress and I feel like people are staring.

We leave, and head to a food truck festival in DC. I have some new flip-flops in the trunk of my car. I decide to wear them because the weather is nice and I want my feet to breath. My wife drives because I am not a fan of DUI’s. As we speed down the highway towards DC, I recline back in my seat, and put my bare feet up on the dashboard. A convertible with the top down and four great looking women in it rolls up beside our car, and they are wildly screaming at me. My window is up and I have a strong buzz, so I can’t quite decipher what they are screaming, but I could swear they are screaming “You are so cute” over and over. My sober wife smiles, then laughs and says “Roll down your window and see what they are saying”.

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I roll down the window and instead of the women saying “You are so cute” or some other compliment to boost my 41-year-old ego, men need that you know, they say what they were really saying all along; “You so need a pedicure”. My wife laughs uncontrollably, and I do too, falsely.

With a smashed ego I roll up my window as the convertible with its advice screaming passengers speeds off. Now I can’t wait to get to the food truck festival to repair my ego with crap calories. We arrive and I devour a huge bucket of BoardWalk fries that could feed a family of four. The fries in my stomach are immediately accompanied by a slice of cheesecake that could feed a couple. My wife and I hang out for a while, leave, and on the way home I get a McFlurry with M&Ms from McDonald’s. SUGAR RUSH! The McDonald’s worker is younger than me and rude, so I am rude back.

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My Martini courage provokes me to provoke him. Like real men do, yeah right, I challenge him to step outside to so I could correct his rudeness and teach him a lesson. Little did I know he is one of those Olympians that Mickey Dee’s employs while they train for the Olympics. Guess what he is training for? Yep, he’s a boxer. He steps outside. I don’t remember the rest because his fiercely trained 160 pounds probably knocked out my 185 pounds of so-called “tough man”.

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I wake up on the couch with no black eye or swollen lip. It was all a nightmare, thank God. But still, take my advice. I know I will.

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