Dear person trying to lose weight,
Hello, how are you doing today? I want to thank you for finding my blog and reading this letter. I wrote this because I have always wanted to get in contact with people trying to lose weight and help them. I have weight loss knowledge and helpful opinions, so why not share them.
I want to lift your spirits because I know that excess weight can be excess emotional baggage, and no one needs that. I have never been overweight, but I have battled vices in my life. Food consumption can be a vice. And don’t be fooled, very few people haven’t battled some type of vice. Behind closes doors people abuse legal and illegal substances, curse their kids, and commit many acts that they later regret because their souls tell them it’s wrong. The soul is rarely wrong. So relax, and believe me when I tell you that few perfect people exist. I have yet to meet one. Besides, perfection can be boring.
I want you to stop beating yourself up about being overweight. It’s not worth it. Try to change your mindset about your weight challenge. I know it’s difficult, but just try it. Let’s look at you being overweight as a blemish on your “driving your life” record. Yes, for the most part you will maneuver through life in the vehicle called “the human body”. But unlike cars that can be bought, leased, and traded in for the latest model every few years, you get just one body, the one you have, so let’s not wreck it.
So what, you have some pounds to lose. It’s no big deal. Some points will be deducted from your “driving your life” record, but that’s it. The good news is that I am the weight loss lawyer. My Alma Mater is U.O.L., University of Life. Come on, let’s go to court. I will represent you and state your case. Don’t worry, you don’t have to say a word. I got your back, front, and sides, like your favorite sweater or something.
“All rise. The honorable Judge Fitness will now preside over the following case. People who judge others vs. an over weight person. The defendant is being charged with being overweight and not doing anything about it.” I think it’s called apathy in educated circles and not giving a shit in others.
My turn to talk. You just stand to the side and sip some unflavored water. If you get hungry, have a fruit or some trail mix from my backpack.
“Hello your honor. How are you today? I am here representing my client, Mrs. Emotional Eater. From here on I will call her Mrs. E.”
Judge Fitness is in great shape. He doesn’t wear a robe, just shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops. He even rides a stationary bike during court hearings.
The judge addresses me in a stern voice, while pedaling away and going nowhere. “Healthy Homeboy, you know it will be very difficult to clear your client’s name. She’s been overweight for a few years, most of her adult life I might add, and she hasn’t done what she should have to lose weight. She should know better.”
I risked being banned for life from court, I mean the gym, with the following statement to the judge.
“Your honor, with all due respect, may I use your words against you?” I was scared but confident, like a rookie NFL quarterback.
Judge Fitness looked at me, almost frowning, still pedaling and said “Watch your words, don’t get yourself in trouble here. If you wish to use my words against me, you better state one hell of a case. No donuts or shenanigans in my court room. You understand, counsel?” I understood the donuts part, but shenanigans I had to google on my i-phone.
“Yes sir. I won’t let you down, eat donuts, or be a shenaniganizer, scouts honor”
“Proceed, Healthy Homeboy”
It was time to get my Johnny Cochran on, the Mexican version.
“Your honor and people of the court, I am here to tell you that there is a flaw in what Judge Fitness just said. Judge Fitness’s flaw is also the jury’s flaw, when it comes to judging overweight people, and I will prove it.”
The jury and spectators gasped, followed by everyone’s participation in silence. They couldn’t believe I put the word “flaw” and “Judge Fitness” in the same sentence. Some people even blushed because I was putting them on front street about how they judge overweight people. Judging others is easy. I’m guilty too. I continued,
“Just a few minutes ago the honorable Judge Fitness said that my client, Mrs. E., should ‘know better’ about her weight. I have a question. Should she know better, and why would she know? Why and how would someone know something if they have never been taught? My client has been taught many things in life, but food consumption and its proper portion size was never one of them, and neither was exercise.
Let us look at my clients history of things taught to her. As a toddler she was potty trained, and look at how she’s done in that part of her life. Let the record show, since she broke up with diapers, never has she had an accident. Well, one time she did pee in her neighbors pool, but that’s because she was having a great time and the margaritas were running right through her. But other than that time, she has had a clean record in the potty department. She was taught well.
When it came to the importance of education, her parents taught her well too. She got her degree in astrophysics and works at the Pentagon. She ‘knew’ what to do in school because she was taught right and applied what she learned. She was not born an astrophysicist. We should not expect people to just know things. No one is born an engineer, doctor, lawyer or farmer. We are given knowledge, and only then can we apply it.”
Judge Fitness was listening without facial reaction. I knew I was making him uncomfortable though, because he was pedaling faster on his stationary bike, and still going nowhere, damn stationary bikes. As for the jury and spectators, I had them right where I wanted them, in the court room.
“Your honor, I ask that you clear my client’s name and take the ‘weight gain’ points off of her record. Mrs. E. is a hard-working woman who through no fault of her own ‘didn’t know any better’ about weight gain and its loss, but not because she was lazy, as you and some of the jury may assume, but because she lacked the knowledge. My client is kind and full of good deeds and desires. She’s always there for her friends and family, and even puts others before herself.”
Judge Fitness interjected “What does her good deeds and kindness have to do with anything?”
I responded in a very excited but respectful tone.
“It has everything to do with everything, your honor! It shows she is human and she cares. Like the rest of us, she has emotions too. She is not a machine that goes through life on auto pilot. Well, sometimes when she’s watching ‘Dancing with the Stars’ or ‘Sex in the City’ reruns she is on auto pilot, but other than that, she’s very involved and active in her existence. Plain and simple your honor, because she was never taught at home or in school how to eat correctly and exercise, her name should be cleared. It is unfair to expect someone, anyone, to execute a plan without instructions. Weight loss is a plan, your honor.”
Judge Fitness got off his stationary bike and walked over to me in his best buff guy gym walk, chest out and everything. He stood with his feet about a foot away from mine, and his face about six inches from my face. Like a Marine Corp drill instructor he made a demand out of a question. “Is that all son?”
I decided to take a gamble, hell, my life’s been a gamble, and push my luck. I took a deep breath and slowly asked “Your honor, may I ask you a question?”
“Be careful son, and don’t mock me. Yes, you may.”
“Your honor, do you know how to juggle?”
“No, I do not.”
“Do you know why?” I asked kindly.
“I guess because I never learned, or was never taught.”
“Exactly your honor, exactly.”
After a short recess the jury came back with a verdict. “We the jury find Mrs. Emotional Eater innocent of the charge of ‘she should know better’ when it comes to her weight challenge. Her name will be cleared under the following conditions. Within the next six months she must, under the guidance of Healthy Homeboy, learn how to eat and move correctly. She will also learn what her food triggers are so she can begin avoiding them. Once she has that knowledge in hand and brain, and stamped on her soul and refrigerator, she will ‘know better’. We the jury also expect Mrs. Emotional Eater to submit the proper paper work for a name change once she learns how to lose weight and follows through, like she has in every other area of her life. Her new name will just be Mrs. Emotional, because that is what we all are, emotional.”